Compliment
Thesaurus
Many women grow weary of even well-intentioned compliments,
especially
if they seem generic or self-centered ("Wow, you look great!"
"Super succotash
tonight honey!" or "That dress is so handsome it makes me want
to rip it
off of you!") This handy pocket thesaurus (online version
available for
an extra charge) will allow you more imaginative responses to
your
partner's
sterling qualities (most women seem to crave daily reinforcement
for
even their most secure and obvious core assets.) Chapters
include "Appropriate Cooking Compliments," "Navigating Tricky Body
Image Issues," and "When to keep your Mouth Shut." A highly useful
appendix treats the topic of "How to make self-deprecating comments and
sound like you mean them." You will be able to
dazzle your partner with creative, individualized compliments
for every
occasion. Turn a weakness into a strength through a simple
lookup.
Personal
Hygiene
Emergency Repair Kit
This solves another perennial complaint from partners. This
emergency
pack includes deodorant, a nose and ear hair trimmer, a small
Virility
Mirror (very clearly not just a redesigned "make-up mirror" -
the case
has a photo of a red Ferrari Modena on it), scented hand wipes
(in sure-to-please almond,
vanilla, and sandalwood), our own Beer Breath Be-Gone breath
mints with enzymatic action (patent
pending), nail clippers and nail file. One pleased customer
reported
that he scored points with his partner by even having this in
his possession
one night when his wife broke a fingernail and he was able to
produce
the tools of repair without her even resorting to her own purse.
Show
your caring sensitive side by making this part of your daily
toolkit.
Belt loop attachment allows its placement next to your cell
phone holster.
Bonus!
For this month only, we will include a SnoreMute
that eliminates that loud cicada-like drone that annoys partners so much
(and so unnecessarily.) Insert in your mouth, secure with a comfortable
strap, and your partner's night's sleep is thoughtfully preserved.
Normally a $12.95 value, but free if you order today!
Smooth-Talk Software
We have asked the best poet laureates in the country to advise
on
the creation of this fine software package. How many times are
we chided
for buying a Hallmark card with a predictable, clichéd saying
inside?
If it is the thought that counts, the Smooth-Talk application
will allow
you to tailor your Valentine's Day or anniversary messages to
your partner's
taste, causing her to regret any ill feelings she ever had about
you.
It is easy as an oil change. Fill out a form outlining your
partner's basic
information (height, astrological sign, hair color, desired (but
not
actual) weight, color preferences, Emoto-type (athlete,
executive, cowgirl,
cheerleader, etc) and the type of poetry you wish (e.g. sonnet,
limerick).
Then just suggest a meter (iambic pentameter remains a
traditional favorite,
with its classical touch) type in a sample love message in your
own
words, and the software will automatically reconfigure your
words into
elegant phrases that are sure to please your mate. Printing out
cards,
special posters and other love notes is a snap. HP Romantic
Fontset
included, which works with all HP and most other printers.
Distrax™
How many of us have had moments at dinner parties or the beach
where
our partner has reacted negatively to our apparent visual
fascination
with the physical charms of other females nearby? Although they
totally
misunderstand and misinterpret this evolutionarily embedded
hunter/gatherer
reflex, it causes a fair amount of social friction. This quick
acting
medication (from Pfizer, the maker of Viagra) temporarily blurs
the
focus point of the ocular nerve, making it impossible to stare
directly
at décolleté or thong bikinis. Some customers have reported as a
side
benefit that it has also sharpened their peripheral vision, but
at least
then one cannot be accused of staring too directly with lewd and
lascivious
intent. Not recommended if, within three hours of ingestion, you
insist
on the traditional male prerogative of driving home.
Martha
Stewart
Culture Coordinator
This extraordinarily effective handbook helps bridge the
aesthetic
gap that exists between male and female. Of particular interest
are
the sections "Shoes: Acquisition and Acculturation" and
"Accessories,
Demystifying the Hidden Rules." Another vital section titled
"Basic
Color Theory" has an indispensable color mapping chart which
allows
you to discover, for example, that the "Viper Green"
used
by Ford Motor Company is identical in hue to "Mediterranean
Olive"
when used in an interior design context. After just a few
minutes consulting
this section, you will be able to not only utter the worlds
"Taupe"
and "Mauve" comfortably, but with authority.
Y Planner Datebook
One of the things that bugs partners the most is our typical
inability to remember basics: birthdays, anniversaries, kid's ages, etc.
(This is especially galling when other days are apparently fixed in our
brains: the Indy 500, the weekly Poker night out, the World Series.) Show
her you're an organized, take-charge kind of guy. Special sections list
birthdays, anniversaries, with "week before" notations for important
romantic events. Keep a log for what you have given in past years (women
do not appreciate the same thing from Victoria's Secret three years in a
row - trust me on this one) so you don't get a reputation for being too
predictable. Remember that all important corollary to Murphy's Law - "an
ounce of image is worth a pound of performance." Just pulling this planner
out of your briefcase every once in awhile will cut you some slack, even
if you never use it.
Black &
Decker
Vibrator
For those rare times when the "Y" just plain deserts you. At
least make
someone happy. Only the highest quality: 650 gigahertz, .3 amps,
amplification
condenser, smooth turbo-action, the best signal-to-noise ratio
in its
class, and a brand name with an impeccable reputation.
Special
Offer
Purchase this kit at least a week before your partner's
birthday or
your wedding anniversary and take a ten percent discount. (You
must
provide proof that you actually know when these events occurred
by sending
a photocopy of a birth certificate or marriage license to be
eligible
for the discount, depending on the type of event you will be
addressing
in your purchase - you do have these documents don't you?)
Approved for use by HomeGrownKids and People for
the Ethical Treatment of Soccer Moms.
|
Send $129.95 plus $5.95 Shipping and Handling to
YKK Kit
128 Scamstrasse
Cayman Islands
BH5 4EH
|
Dr. Nedleif, Ph.D, MFCC, is a world
renowned researcher
in the field of gender studies. His published work has appeared
in Gender
Diaspora, the American Journal of Post-Rationalist
Thought,
and the Journal of Intemperate Remarks.
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