MC: This is the CUSP entry into tonight's festivities. There has been some internal dissension about its suitability for this forum, with its emphasis on demonstrable talent, with the suggestion that the group is sorely lacking, while others have argued that the talent level is so high that virtually anything the group presented would be appropriate. It is important to stress that this presentation is a DRAMATIZATION, that it is not representative of all strategic planning sessions at SFSU. The stunts and dialog are performed by professional strategic planners and should not be attempted at home or in department or college committee meetings or by Humanities faculty at any time. Any resemblence of any of the participants to their actual daily life personas on campus is purely and strictly, unfortunate.

This is the compelling story of Strategic Planning at San Francisco State University, a process that has pathos, passion, Athos, Aaramis and Porthos. It is elegant and earthy, dirty and divisive, yet possesses a unity of considerable sublimity. Some content may offend sensitive ears, but the truth must be told. This is stragetic planning in all its glory, the elegance plainly obvious, the prismatic clarity shining like a multi-jeweled chalice...

FROM THE AUDIENCE: Oh shutup! On with the show!

MC: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT THE THE CUSP COMMISSIONERS!

SETTING:CUSP commissioners seated at a large table, papers and binders at hand. As one commissioner rummages through his briefcase an empty beer can falls out noisily to the floor.

Richard Giardina enters, and makes announcement.

Richard:: Okay, lets get started. We have been working hard all semester on developing our strategic plan and today we need to establish the focus for this very important phase of the strategic planning process. The entire weight of Western Civilisation rests on our performance, so don't screw it up.

Don, squirming in his seat in obvious pleasure: Ohh! I feel another nice matrix coming on!

Ned: Can you tell me again, do we need to focus more on the strategic part or the planning part?

Richard: Planning absolutely, but it has to be done strategically. Any other questions?

Eunice: Do we get any perks for the time spent on this idiocy?

Richard::Only the pleasure of a job well done.

Ned: Wait before we begin, we need to follow the ritual.and ask for the pleasure of the gods of strategic planning. Let us bow before the Holy Flip Chart and ask for blessings and a good result.

All: Oh Holy Flip Chart, give us wisdom, give us words, avoid us woe!

All bow before flip chart

Richard: Okay, we need a list of the driving questions. This is vital to our process. What are the questions and issues that will drive our endeavor? What will motivate and move our planning process forward? We need to be basic, and ask the hard ones, not the frilly puffball questions so common in other strategic planning efforts. Lets just go around the room. We will attempt to pose in simple and unambiguous terms the answer to the basic and overriding question: What are the driving questions?

1. Pam Before beginning to try to answer this, we need to define what we mean by "driving questions."

2. Ned Given that driving involves movement, I think we should think about our history. SFSU has historically steered to the left. Should we follow precedent or steer to the right?

3. Don Perhaps, in a heretical notion, we might even consider going straight ahead.

4. Ned In its most basic form, driving is composed of steering, braking and acceleration processes. We need to prioritize very carefully among these elements and choose only the most crucial aspects of driving to focus on.

5. Don Driving needs to be seen as a collective, collaborative, fully consensus-laden process that cannot be done merely once but which must be engaged in continuously and thoughtfully.

6.Pam What elements have been left out of the current driving experience - what do we need to do to attract and train incipient new drivers?

7.Eunice: Before talking about driving per se, we should think about what sort of vehicle we aspire to become.

8. Ned Building on the previous comment, we should not try to be a Mercedes when a VW is a better fit for our campus.

9. Pam Why just think of cars? What about public, PUBLIC, transit?

10. Don Sonoma has become a destination driver campus - can we identify what would make us a destination vehicle?

11. Ned The solution to the problem of how to become a destination campus will be amazingly simple. We partner with MUNI, garnering political points for that all by itself, by providing a chunk of campus, perhaps the old football field, for use as a streetcar lot and final stop, the way Balboa Park is currently used. We may even be able to get some extra money for programs out of the deal. From then on, when commuters board an M, K or L streetcar, they will see right under the car's "Destination" sign the words "SFSU" - bringing instant recognition, celebrity, and branding for State. The destination will both implicit and explicit - we cannot lose. Everyone else in the CSU will wonder why they didn't think of this first.

12. Pam Talking to those who are already drivers who have come from our driving experience would allow us to analyze and anticipate drivers' needs. How do they brake? How many accidents have they had? Let's look at their liability insurance rates.

15. Eunice: Often none of the major driving functions operate because the first step - putting the key into the ignition - does not work. How do we design an easy-to-use, well-fitting ignition key?

16. Don Statistically it is clear that braking is far more important than any other driving operation. We should construct robust, interactive, responsive braking programs, assessing our progress by measuring skid marks.

17. Ned While braking is obviously important, and we should never question safety as a concern, it is much more difficult, but perhaps more distinctive, to build good acceleration qualities in a vehicle. We need to examine qualities of fuel available, mileage requirements and maximum top speed before designing acceleration programs.

18. Pam We need to let the campus know not only that we are going fast, but communicate to all elements of campus just HOW fast we are going.

19. Eunice: Acceleration is a subjective, perceived quality and we may be able to provide a greater sense of speed (by blurring programs, for example) that will allow a more exciting & satisfying driving experience.

20. Don While braking and acceleration are obviously clear and present issues, I suggest an emphasis on steering. Sometimes avoiding an oncoming hurdle is best done not by speeding up or stopping but by veering in a strategic direction.

21.Pam It would be best if we had a steering plan, perhaps utilizing already existing structures so we are not reinventing the wheel.

23. Eunice: We should not ignore the importance of small driving communities.

24. Don Returning to braking importance: while steering is fine, sometimes you have to stop immediately. Recommend strong brake cooling systems to counteract the heat built up by braking.

25. Ned Students overwhelmingly appreciate good, quality, spillproof cupholders.

26. Eunice: If more time is spent accelerating, we will drive ahead of the whole system and then not have to worry so much about directional or stopping questions.

27. Ned Braking heat is the result of friction. In our department we have found that adequate appropriate lubrication in the form of merit raises,chemical means at departmental functions, or other administrative carrots (free photocopying and the like), limits heat build-up and tends to limit excessive faculty noise as well.

28. Pam This is exactly why some departments skid off the road completely! Academic friction is entirely normal and healthy - we should not dampen it. Instead use of high-technology antiskid breaking systems is best, so we can devote our attention to more pressing matters.

29. Eunice: No one has mentioned the dirty word - remedial driving. We need strong driver training at an early age, before drivers get to SFSU.

30. Don Referring back to hurdles: we need to recognize, de-legitimatize, and neutralize hurdles to achieve success.

31. Ned Objection to the word "neutralize" which has a military or gender removal connotation. All genders are important and mention of the notion of neutering is anathema.

32. Don I said "neutralize" not "neuterize."

Richard Okay, Break into focus groups. We will return to the group in five minutes with the list narrowed to the three most important driving questions. Prioritising is a must.

The flip charts come out and commissioners scribble and argue furiously.

Richard's cell phone rings

Richard:Hello?

Oh yes, hello President Corrigan.

What? We have no money for ANYTHING this year? NOTHING?

Yes, Yes, I know…….. right, right.

But we were just in cusp planning session. What am I going to tell the commissioners?

commissioners exchange nervous looks, perhaps rolling their eyes.

Richard(listening) yes, yes.. but they are going to be very disappointed.

okay, okay, goodbye.

Richard: Announce to group: Bad news from President corrigan. We have no money for anything this year, let alone strategic planning. Zero, zip, gunich, nada, nothing.

Eunice: back to the same old same old.

Don: Well, you could call that a plan.

Ned: Our non-strategic plan.

Pam: Looks like we need a new name. Maybe Commissioners Responsible for Anti-strategic Planning.

gather up stuff, and all walk off.