100 YEAR OLD MAN

Man, seated in a comfortable chair, dozing with an afghan rug over his lower body. An ancient SFSU bulletin is opened on his lap.

A female student enters the room, notebook in hand. she approaches him and shakes him gently

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Sir? Professor Emeritus Snodfeathers?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Yes yes!(a little testy) That's me, what do you want? Can't you see I am busy reading War and Peace?

STUDENT JOURNALIST: That's an old copy of the bulletin Professor.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: No it isn't! he looks carefully at the cover, Oh by god it is. 1924 too, a good year. All those names and endless descriptions, I thought it was a Russian novel.

apologetically: I am a scientist you know, not a literary professor

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Yes I know. I am from the Gator, and wondered if I might talk to you about SFSU.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Why yes, of course, but you know there is a lot to know.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: You are a Professor Emeritus, correct?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Yes, but you can call me Merit for short.

face grimaces: But don't go bringing up merit pay, you hear?

STUDENT JOURNALIST: No I won't Professor. Is it true Professor Snodfeathers that you are really a hundred years old?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: No, outrageous distortion.

STUDENT JOURNALIST Crestfallen: But they told me you were a hundred years old and knew all about the university

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: The second part is true but I am actually over a hundred. Not really sure but probably 105. You know how I know? My father had come from the old country and had worked on the first buildings of State. I remember visiting him at work when the university first opened and so must have already been 4 or 5 at the time.

[Insert expanded discussion of early campuses, teaching philosophy, goals, etc.]

STUDENT JOURNALIST: And then you came to teach at what would become State University then too?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Yes, I taught geology for over 50 years. [probably not geology – don’t want confusion over identity of Snodfeathers]

STUDENT JOURNALIST: What was different about those early years?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Well, you know the main difference?

STUDENT JOURNALIST: No what was that?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: The students knew how to dance. None of this writhing solitary business that passes for dance now. The music was all different too, of course, but 'that happens over time. Nowadays you don't even get a chance to meet your dance partner -- its all is so isolated. Actually, the faculty knew how to dance too. I remember one memorable retreat in 39, a lovely waltz with Miss Perkins from the English Dept. She wore a long blue dress and moved ever so alluringly. Oh, but I digress.

You know the students studied more like they danced back then too. There was some order, some appreciation for the basics, for timing. Not so much anymore, but you get some greater creativity now maybe, and a lot of these kids don’t have any awareness of rules to break so they go sky’s the limit.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Were students any better then than now?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: No, I actually don't think so. The modern group is bright and often motivated, and that was true all the way along too. The new ones have a shorter attention span, but what do you expect? Look at what's in the news these days -- the president and a little floozy, what would your attention span be like if that was what you had to read in the papers?

STUDENT JOURNALIST: What were the student strike years like?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Oy, you could have seen that one coming. Who do they get for a president? A linguist! Of course there would be problems -- you ever listened to a linguist for more than a few sentences? Linguists can't talk amongst themselves, let alone communicate with a large restless bunch of students. But you know what? Those kids were right. The war, the fossilised curriculum (this is actually something I am most intimate with, ossified remains) all these things needed changing. And change never comes easy. It was a struggle.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: How have students study habits changed over time?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Well, it used to be pencils and paper, but even those were scarce during the war. Now look, email and databases.

Shakes his head:

But what really matters is the kind of thinking you do. The kids these days have to do a lot of juggling. They seem to handle a range of stuff very well.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: What were some other definable moments.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Well, here is one. Early sixties, before all hell broke loose. Strait laced campus, with a bunch of new restless faculty. I remember when Eric Solomon arrived.

Eric comes onto stage, straw boater on his head, bow-tie, early 60's garb, obviously a young buck.

ES: Well, professor Snodfeathers! Glad to meet you. You can call me Uncle Eric.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS snorts: Uncle Eric! Uncle Eric? You couldn't even pass for a self-respecting nephew.

ES: Well, Professor Snodgrass, you've been here some time and have done marvelous things, but let me tell you about the new wave of scholarship. I have come to save you from the clutches of it.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS dubiously: What is this "new scholarship?"

ES: Postmodernism. A new way to perform literary criticism. Post-modernists think you need to deconstruct texts, not just take them at face value.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS to audience: Sounds like post-rationalism to me.

ES: But, with me around, you'll weather the storm. It is important to treat literature properly.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Hey Mr. Eric

ES: Uncle Eric

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Hey Solomon, would you believe me if I told you you would be FERPing in 1998?

ES: I beg your pardon? That sounds indecent. Ferping is not a verb I recognise.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Some acronym for early retirement that allows you to keep teaching.

ES: FERP? In 1998?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: You ask me, it’s moral ferpitude. If you wanna keep teaching, keep your damn feet in the water, none of this half of this, half of that business.

You know what else? Would you believe me if I told you you would be director of the library 3 different times?

Eric leans back and laughs: Hey that’s a good one. I mean I like libraries as much as the next highbrow, but me director of one? Goodness.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: You wouldn't recognise the place in 1999 – computers all over the first floor, card catalog kaput, you need typing skills just to find a book.

ES: Well, tying skills are important.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Yes, but you also need this thing called the Web too. Pictures, sound all this stuff coming at you through a computer screen. Sensory overload I tell you. They even need a whole department to keep the faculty up to speed! Can you imagine that? Called the Center for Eventually Teaching or something.

ES: Well, maybe this new stuff helps..

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS turns to the reporter: How do you use this Web thing?

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Well, I use it for research of course, for journalists it is quite good. The Chronicle and The New York Times are online, and you can get census data and a lot of other things.

A little apologetically: But I use it for other things too though. I found my apartment that

way. And my boyfriend uses it for, well, he finds these, ah, places with photos of mud wrestlers and such. Most of them are female but not all. They usually have clothes on.

Eric and Professor Snodfeathers roll their eyes.

ES: Well, I am off to my graduate seminar. At least written English won't change.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Don't bet on it.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Any regrets Professor Snodfeathers?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: I shoulda bought condom stock in the early 80's. I'd be a millionaire by now.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: No I meant academic regrets.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: But you know another growth industry? Tattoo removal. You ever seen all the tattoos that go on students these days? My eyes aren't that good anymore, but you should see some of the places they go! My goodness that must hurt! But sooner or later, believe it or not, these kids will want to be respectable, and all those tattoos will need to go. I should get a franchise, call it "Toos be gone" or something. You don't have any tattoos do you?

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Well yes, I had my SAT scores put on when I found out I got into state.

She pulls her shirttails out: Do you want to see them?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS a little panicked: No, no, no! That's okay. I’m sure you did very well.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Back to the university: Any striking similarities among all the decades here?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Well, a university is a grand thing you know. It should really be very simple. You get a bunch of lively students who are interested in things, who want to learn, not just to get a job, although they have to do that too, but because life is so interesting. and you get some professors who like kids, who like talking about what they do, who ask questions and keep pushing the boundaries of knowledge further and further. You put these students and faculty in this great primordial stew and you just stir it and wait a little to see what happens. Doesn't taste quite right, you throw a little more salt in, a little more spice. And the faculty are the best tasters, the best judges.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: What about student taste?

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Well, you need to know what the students think, of course, but they aren't always reliable, and the owner of the joint almost never is. Students are part of the cooking -- can't have a decent stew without them. And good faculty are good listeners and know what to do with data, so they will respond when the students start making noise. But the owners, well, the owners only concern is solvency, and god forbid in this scenario, profit. They usually don't know taste from bupkis.

Don't get me wrong -- you need some administration too for a university, folks who know about budgets and how to run things, but it all only works when the main thing is the students and the faculty. Fine for the cooks to argue about the food, but when the restaurant owner starts meddling, look out.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: It sounds great.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Yes, it is. And it feels good when you get some students who go on and do great things. And when you have faculty who have their dream jobs, who get to do the things they love doing. Its very nice. A lot happens and it is good when thinking is as active as it is around here.

STUDENT JOURNALIST: Yes, thank you Professor Snodfeathers. I appreciate your time.

PROFESSOR SNODFEATHERS: Thank you, my pleasure.